I hear the clack of her shoes as they recede and his grip loosens on my mind. I feel like I’ve been caught in the clutches of a seizure as he releases me. I let out a strangled gasp, feeling drained and heavy.
“Nooo… Please,” I beg her, but she’s long gone by the time I catch my breath. “Don’t go… I…” I lose my train of thought as I’m overcome with grief. I fall back onto the bed, too weak to keep myself upright.
“I can’t… I- ” I stop, squeezing the words out between gasps of sorrow and pain. My skin crawls with pins and needles as the heat slowly returns. I hate. I hate it all! Everything!
I scream wordlessly from the bed, all my pent up frustration bursting to be let out. It’s a tidal wave of years of grief, loss, and delusion. All the things that were taken from me, all the people I hurt, all the things I destroyed without meaning to. It’s all because of this magic! This damn… thing inside me! I should never have survived! I was supposed to have died. I did die! Why am I still alive? Why me? Why did they all die for me? What, so I could come here and find her and take her back? No! I refuse to believe I was meant to come here and rape her, to take her from him. How is that anything at all like I wanted? It’s can’t be true! I wanted someone who understood.
No, I wanted someone who could really understand everything I felt, everything I needed.
NO! That’s not what I meant! I needed… I wanted… I just wanted…
You wanted love.
No… wait… did I?
She wanted love.
Who’s talking? Who are you?
She wanted you. She wanted love. So why are you fighting this?
I moan, keening against the pillows. Stop it, please. Stop this! I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to listen to this! It’s not me!
No, stop! I can’t! Go away! GO!
“GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE!” I scream. My voice rings through the empty room, falling on deaf ears.
I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate magic. I hate… I hate that I’m alive. I can’t take it anymore…
I need to end this… I need to end myself.
That’s what you think…. That’s all you.
‘No, that’s us.’
No, no. no.
‘She didn’t leave us.’
“Yes, she did. She left with him.”
‘No, she didn’t. She didn’t leave us, to begin with. He took her.’
“But she left!”
‘He took her, just like now. He took her heart, and we have to get her back.’
“But she’s left. She’s gone. Stop it. I can’t… I don’t want…. I don’t want this.”
‘Yes. He took her, she’s gone because he took her. Listen to yourself. You know it. He is responsible. We must stop him. We must find a way.’
‘No, we must, you’re right. He took her, but we’ll take her back. We’ll bring her back, and she’ll make this better. She always does. She’ll fix this. You’ll see.’
‘Yes, she will. She always does.’
“So, we have… just have to bring her…”
‘We stop him, we bring her back. She’ll fix it’.
“Stop him… how?”
‘We’ll find a way. We’ll search and when he brings her to us, we’ll save her from him.’
“Yes. save me, stop him.”
‘Yes, she’ll save us. If we save her. If we stop him, we’ll save her.’
‘There, there, now. Just wait. He’ll come back, she’ll come back, and then, we’ll be able to save her.’
“Yes, she’ll save us.”
‘She always does.’
‘Shh, sleep. Rest. Wait.’
By Kayla West